No, this has nothing to do with anything of the sexual nature. Get your minds out of the gutter. The "Deep" subject that I am referring to is religion. Now, since I was in high school I have considered myself a born again christian. I know what you all are thinking this guy is a bible beater or something. Well, if you have read my blog at all you know that that just isn't true. Right now I consider myself a non-practicing christian. What most Christians might call someone who has fallen away from the lord. I do believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins so that I can be in heaven when I die.
Recently, I have found myself, not questioning God but actually not really thinking about God at all. God is absent from my life. Which is really bad. The good thing is I know it's bad. I find myself just not thinking about God. Today, I went to church with my wife and my son and my mother in-law. I could not pay attention and have know idea what the sermon was even about. I'm not really sure what this all means. I think most Christians would say that the Devil is distracting me. Which is probably true. I just don't know how I feel right now.
I think I know when and how I first became distant from the lord and how I feel right now. It started around the time I came home from basic training. A person high up in the church told their child not to hang out with me because I wasn't the right person to be hanging around with. At the time I was a following the christian way to the best of my ability. The best being that of an 19 year old kid who had just discovered drinking. Now, that may sound bad me being a christian and all but the other kids in my youth group were drinking before I was. So we all were in the same boat. Now a person who is higher up in the church should have had myself and the other Christians hanging out to strengthen my relationship with God through fellowship between fellow Christians.
It got worse for me and God a while later. When I was getting married I got back with God to the point where I was back in a church and I was even co-facilitating a youth group for the church. It was a good time for me and God. But again we had a falling out or not so much me and God but I started to lose faith in the people who are supposed to be God loving people. First off the pastor of a this new church lied to me and my wife. It was okay we really liked the guy and as we all know nobodies perfect and we are all sinners. He actually was the secondary reason we were going to church. He was a good speaker and got the lord's message out in a captivating way. The churches governing body was not happy with the pastor but I think the overall majority of the parishioners enjoyed and learned from his sermons. I even gave a sermon talking about how God wanted us to work through the tough patches we were having as a church. For us to communicate and work towards God's goals and not the goals of our hearts. You see the pastor wanted to get the word of God out to more people to build our church family, while the governing body of the church wanted to stay the same. The way I saw it was that God wants more people to follow him and become saved by his son Jesus Christ. A short while later the governing body of the church had the pastor removed and myself, my wife and a few other members of the church left the church.
Since that time, I have been searching for a new church. Not with my whole heart behind the idea but searching none the less. Some may say I am also searching for God to be back into my heart. I must admit there are days like this one that I feel that I want to make a sincere effort to get back with God and then there are many more days where I don't even think about the lord. I know deep down I want to continue my relationship with God but I'm just not sure when the right time is or if I will ever be ready to be right with God.
As for now I have to try and be the best person I can be and try to live by the values I used to follow with much passion. I know I am far away from where I was but the Lord works in mysterious ways and I know somehow someway I will find my way back to him and he will pry himself back into my heart. When this will be only God knows and I know I will probably hit rock bottom before it happens because that's usually what happens.
I hope I didn't depress anyone but I had to get these things off my chest and this is what this damn blog is for anyways. To get things off my mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment